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I'm working tomorrow, a job I really need since I haven't had any work for about a month (that includes two weeks vacation, but still). I've promised the client I'll be there by 10, which means I need to leave the house by 8 - I've got 3 stores to go to. It's a long day - I'll probably work until 5 or so.
Rick just told me he plans on having Cissy put to sleep tomorrow.
Damn! How do tear myself in half?
I can't go with him. We touched briefly on the idea of putting it off until late tomorrow, but I know that Cissy is suffering. It's been miserable today. We should have done it today, but Rick wasn't ready to do it. He's still not completely sure.
I am. To me, she's dying by inches and she's not getting a moment's joy out of laying there unable to move. When she does get herself up, she flops around in a circle a couple of times and falls down again. She can only eat if we hold the food to her muzzle and let her eat out of our hands. Even that she finds exhausting. But she's hungry, so on top of everything else, she's lying there starving to death.
He'll have to do it alone. Of all the horrible things I could do in this marriage, this is way up on the list. But I'm stuck.
Damn, damn, damn!
- Mood:
distressed
We're back home and dealing with the dog, who is Not Herself. She can barely manage to stand and she's as wobbly as a bowli ball. We have to hold her back end up with a towel wrapped around her and hold her front end straight with a harness and leash. All this to take a few minutes loop around the yard. She eats a bit, but isn't drinking, so we are on the subcutaneous fluid route.
500 ml twice a day.
She's taking more pills than we are. We have to keep her confined, but she's started trying to stand up, whereupon she immediately falls, although as she improves, she manages to stagger a few steps so she can hit her head on a wall. This means we have to tie her up so she can't move around.
If you could see my tension, you'd back up.
Rick stayed home today and I did a lot of writing, because I know I won't get much done when he goes back to work. Cissy has an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow (to see if she has cancer), and a chiro visit on Wednesday.
Yes. Chiro. For the dog. No, it's not cheap.
This means that I have to lift her in and out of the car - an awkward proposition with a heavy dog that's nearly as big as I am. There is a danger of hurting my back, but there's also the danger of dropping Cissy. Or banging her head on the car. Or something.
Did I mention the tension?
I am not a dog person. I like them fine, and I love the two (now, one) I've been living with since meeting my husband. But I don't go in for the "keep them alive for as long as possible, no matter the cost or inconvenience" routine. If they're old and sick and not likely to heal quickly (and reasonably cheaply) and get back to feeling and acting like a happy dog - I vote for youth-in-Asia. Dog lovers will spout venom, but ya know - it's just the way I am. We spent over $20,000 on the last dog before finally putting him down. We've just spent almost $8K on Cissy.
I don't want to do it again. But I also can't face going through that shot again, and I don't want an empty house, and I don't want my husband to feel bad or sad or lonely. Just don't suggest another dog. Bring it up in ten years or so. We'll talk.
The tension. As usual, my feelings are mixed and I'm full of contradictions and I'm miserable.
I'll be glad when it's Over.
- Mood:
stressed
